The pool opened late yesterday after the gym was able to put in an additional heater in the pool.
This is my chance! Andrew is home from rehearsal and I can escape to do some pool walking to loosen everything up. I am SO STIFF!
*See previous post on pain and you get the general feel for where I’m at…*
Luckily the pool is in our building so I don’t not have to venture out into the frigid temperatures and potentially add more discomfort to my life. But as I’m shuffling into the gym, I’m suddenly aware that I
A) don’t have a walking aid on so people don’t usually see me hobbling and shuffling around like this
B) Need complete focus so that I don’t fall so I must look absolutely pissed off at the world.
C) Look drunk because my balance is also chaos right now
D) Forgot to smile at the front desk person as I swiped my membership card so I get a nasty look and wonder why
I’m feeling self conscience when I enter the locker room. There are all kinds of mini stair cases throughout and it’s not easy for me to get around…So I enter acting like a super drunk teen who stayed out passed curfew and is trying to pull off complete sobriety to her parents while trying to sneak up to her bedroom.
I feel like everyone is looking at me…but I know they are just doing their own thing. Regardless, I’m embarrassed at how I might appear to them.
Side note: I don’t usually care. I feel ok blurting out my issues now! And lots of people know so I swallow my pride and roll with it…
But here, in this gym, where I once applied to work as a personal trainer, where I have floored people with all that I could lift, and have confidently walked into each section excited with all that I could do there…I suddenly feel so incapable.
I change into my swimming suit and head up to the pool.
Stairs. Wet stairs. And then the walk to the side of the pool that is available to me.
I can’t wear sandals.. I just kick them off accidentally with my gait! So the added layer of zero footwear leaves me slower, unsteady, and looking more drunk 🤣 Play it cool, April.
As I start doing my laps, I begin my normal incantations of positive self talk to empower me through. Except. I can’t. I just walked through a battlefield of self loathing to get to this point and I don’t feel positive at all!
Here comes the rant:
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to April Lynn Hovelson’s Substack to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.